lundi 21 décembre 2009

Des paroles qui résonnent en moi.

Je dois dire un mot sur la peur. C'est le seul réel adversaire de la vie. Il n'y a que la peur qui puisse vaincre la vie. C'est une ennemie habile et perfide, et je le sais bien. Elle n'a aucune décence, ne respecte ni lois ni conventions, ne manifeste aucune clémence. Elle attaque votre point le plus faible, qu'elle trouve avec une facilité déconcertante. Elle naît d'abord et invariablement dans votre esprit. Un moment vous vous sentez calme, en plein contrôle, heureux. Puis la peur, déguisée en léger doute, s'imisce dans votre pensée comme un espion. Ce léger doute rencontre l'incrédulité et celle-ci tente de le repousser. Mais l'incrédulité est un simple fantassin. Le doute s'en débarrasse sans se donner de mal. Vous devenez inquiet. La raison vient à votre rescousse.Vous êtes rassuré. La raison dispose de tous les instruments de pointe de la technologie moderne. Mais, à votre surprise et malgré des tactiques supérieures et un nombre impressionnant de victoires, la raison est mise K-O. Vous sentez que vous vous affaiblissez, que vous hésitez. Votre inquiétude devient frayeur.
Ensuite, la peur se tourne vers votre corps, qui sent déjà que quelque chose de terrible et de mauvais est en train de survenir. Déjà votre souffle s'est envolé comme un oiseau et votre cran a fui en rampant comme un serpent. Maintenant, vous avez la langue qui s'affale comme un opossum, tandis que votre mâchoire comment à galoper sur place. Vos oreilles n'entendent plus. Vos muscles se mettent à trembler comme si vous aviez la malaria et vous genoux à frémir comme si vous dansiez. Votre coeur pompe follement, tandis que votre sphincter se relâche. Il a sa manière, perd ses moyens. Il n'y a que vos yeux à bien fonctionner. Ils prêtent toujours pleine attention à la peur. Vous prenez rapidement des décisions irréfléchies. Vous abandonnez vos derniers alliées: l'espoir et la confiance. Voilà que vous vous êtes défait vous-même. La peur qui n'est qu'une impression a triomphé de vous. Cette expérience est difficile à exprimer. Car la peur, la véritable peur, celle qui vous ébranle jusqu'au plus profond de vous, celle que vous ressentez au moment où vous êtes face à votre destin final, se blottit insidieusement dans votre mémoire, comme une gangrène: elle cherche à tout pourrir, même les mots pour parler d'elle. Vous devez donc vous battre très fort pour l'appeler par son nom. il faut que vous luttiez durement pour braquer la lumière des mots sur elle. Car si vous ne le faites pas, si la peut devient noirceur indicible que vous évitiez, que vous parvenez peut-être même à oublier, vous vous exposez à d'autres attaques de peur parce que vous n'aurez jamais réellement bataillé contre l'ennemi qui vous a défait. (Yan Martel, L'histoire de Pi, p.173-174)

Voilà des écrits qui résonnent en moi. La description même de ce que je ressens lorsque je suis prise par une poussée d'anxiété. Dieu sait que j'ai commencé à livrer ma bataille, mais qu'elle est loin d'être terminée puisque je vois encore trop souvent la peur comme noirceur indicible que j'évite.

14 commentaires:

Anonyme a dit…

Salut comment vas-tu en cette nouvelle année?

France

Karim'Agine a dit…

Bonjour France,
ça va occupée. J'ai entamé un deuxième emplois. Le travail à temps puis, trois soirées de travail en clinique. Le tout parsemé de rendez-vous à lhôpital pour maman qui vient de commencer sa chimio cette semaine.
Je me concentre sur sa santé, son bien-être, mon travail et j'essaie de prendre de petits moments pour apprécier la vie auprès d'amies cheres à mon coeur.

Merci de t'informer.
L'année 2010 ne t'a pas fait perdre ta sensibilité et ton humanité.
Douceur à mon coeur.

Unknown a dit…

Comment va ta maman? Les traitements ne sont pas trop difficiles?

France

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